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Beyond the Woods- Emotional healing and the Power of God

I have been linking up with Creative Christian Mama at her Whatever Weekend link up with my Healthy Living blog, but decided to link up from here today instead.

So about a year ago I started with brokenness, went on to mending and now I feel like I am at a point where I am out of the woods of hurts and healing. Like I am on the edge of the woods, entering the clearing. Its different here because I feel stronger. I feel like I have a new beginning but I am a bit cautious. I step out and take a chance but a little leery to go out too far. Life sometimes feels like it will never change and sometimes I do glance back. Sometimes something comes up to bring its usual sting from the past but it doesn't debilitate as it once did.
God has walked me through and brought me to this moment. He has held my hand. He has picked me up after I fell, too many times to count. When my heart hurt He was there whispering encouragement. Keep walking. Get up again. Keep going! His love carries us through.

Really? After all these years, I can have a new beginning? At forty, suddenly life begins again?

God answers "Behold, I make all things new."

2 Cor. 5:17 Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

Don't believe the lies that it's too late. That nothing will change. I just looked back on previous posts here on this blog and I see the progression of healing. I am overwhelmed by God's grace toward me. I am amazed by His overwhelming, unending love for me. It's the same love He feels for you. The same healing he offers to you.

Here I am, I felt like it was too late, but yet God redeems the time. God redeems the time.

God has to be my source

God has to be my source. He is my only strength and the one who justifies.  I would be so lost without Him.

Staff may judge me at work. Even after working with some for years, I realize they just don't know me. On the other hand I realize they are unable to think without negativity because they are not free. Once Jesus comes in and frees you, your mind becomes free also. You no longer have to be bogged down with the past.You no longer have to be confined by your disappointments and hurts.
I am good as long as I keep going with God.


Got this from TGIF, Today God Is First

God's guiding hand

My apologies, I haven't written much here lately. God has me on a growing, and healing journey that has lead me to a promotion at work and one to get a handle on my health.
I have been on a journey lately regarding my health and started a blog for it. That's where my time and energy has been spent recently. Well truth be told I had started the blog a while back but never did much with it until now. I have revisited and revised it.
 As far as my health it has been one step forward and three steps back. I learn something new each day and sometimes it feels as though I will never get a handle on it.

I am grateful for God's leading. I am a little overwhelmed at the moment with my promotion and have to take things day by day. I am learning and as with everything, I really have to rely heavily on God to get me through. I will make it.
God told me once that I would be doing more at my workplace. I was reluctant to believe it partly because I didn't really want the responsibility. As a manager I have to oversee the workings of the home, the workers and the clients we serve. I love the clients like family. They are the main reason I took the position.

Hopefully I will get to a place where I  will feel some semblance of normalcy and routine but so far at work and with my healthy eating choices its been trial and error. Nothing has been routine or normal.

God's advice is not to worry about tomorrow, today is enough to deal with. That is why he only gave us one day at a time. We couldn't handle more.

Perfecting out hearts toward God -Our Weakness, His Strength

I have gotten behind on my reading of Mended. I will be catching up tomorrow.
God has been good and is working in my life in different ways.

This verse hit me this week.


2 chron 16:9  For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of [them] whose heart [is] perfect toward him...

 I had a friend say that our perfection is God's love in our hearts. It's not about us what we do or what we say.
I had to minister at a convalescent home last week and I felt like I was just rambling but gave a little of a testimony on how God worked in my marriage. I felt like what I said was just ...eh. I didn't think it was all that powerful or significant what I said. and I was shaking like a leaf. I felt like a weakling and was a little embarrassed, but the person I do the ministry with said that she felt the anointing of  God when I spoke. Which took me by surprise.
It's funny how I perceived things and it turned out to be just the opposite. I think it's proof that the Devil wants to keep us feeling like we have no impact and no power as Christians. It's also proof of the verse...

 2 Cor. 12:9-10  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

It made me reflect on the verse from 2 chronicles again. Perfecting out hearts toward God to me means having that childlike faith. The type that has a quiet confidence in our Daddy God. The one that unquestioningly yields to God's authority, trusts in his promises, and just knows without a doubt that God is and the rewarder of  them that diligently seek Him. To know nothing but Christ (1Cor 2:2). Without pride in us, but proud of God and His strength.

I remember working in childcare and overhearing kids boasting of their father's strength, intelligence, and ability to handle anything. " My dad  is stronger than your dad" kind of boasting. That is the childlike faith in God, I am talking about.

  "I know my Daddy God can do it" kind of thinking is what he desires. Just read that 2 chronicles verse again. It says God searches to and fro for someone to have that kind of faith where God can prove His strength. Show Himself strong. It doesn't say that we have to show ourselves strong.

His strength is made perfect in our weakness. We aren't perfect but God is. We are weak vessels, but God...

Resisting the rewrite

Once again what God has been speaking to me about has been reconfirmed through different things. One being chapter 18 "Sketched" from the book Mended by Angie Smith.
 I was just writing in my spiritual journal about my always trying to control my life. I thought about how God refers to us as sheep and he the Shepherd. I have resisted that idea of being likened to a seemingly mindless and stubborn animal who doesn't know what to do or where to go without someone telling it what to do.
I have considered myself to be a fairly intelligent person who has a creative knack for figuring things out. I am the one people come to when something breaks or they don't know how to work something. I just have this knack for figuring it out.
So to think of myself in a way that says I can do nothing without someone else's help... well I guess it prickles in my pride side.
I also have used fear as an excuse to try to do it my way. Cue Frank Sinatra.
If I don't know what's ahead I tend to dig in my heels and resist the whole way.
Stubborn. So yea a sheep! Bah Bah Bah!

 God has challenged me to a wrestling match of sorts for the last few years. I resist, I move in the opposite direction and only when He really hits hard do I stop to take a breath. Stubborn . Bah, bah!

The rod and staff he carries can hurt quite a bit but the lessons don't sink in the first time around.
I finally capitulated on Sunday at church and told God I would be his sheep. Then I read chapter 18. Reconfirming what God had spoken to my heart already.

In chapter 18 Angie talks about trying to sketch her own life. She had to go speak in my language. I love to draw, paint, crochet,etc ...If it's creative I will try it. So this just jumped off the page for me.
I have always been a dreamer and dreamed of my life and how I wanted it to be. Perfect of course. Perfect marriage, perfect family...My sketch, my dreams, my plans. Get the picture?

Control.

I talked before about God being the author and finisher of my life. I have never had control of my life I just wanted to feel like I did. I keep resisting, then God  to do some serious editing, and I try to do my own rewrite again, more editing...

Its a tiring cycle and it's time to hand over the pen. It's time to submit and give up my plans. It's time to admit I am just a sheep.

"I just want to be a sheep, bah, bah, bah, bah!"

Meet Him at the shore of forgiveness

This week Chapters 13 an 14 spoke the loudest to me in the book Mended by Angie Smith.

Peter was a man of action and tended to speak first and think later.
Yes I am a good one to act like that. I have put my foot in my mouth too many times to trust myself to speak my mind first thing. I tend to stay silent and not say anything at all, or until well after the fact when it's not relevant.
There were many times that I have acted first and suffered the consequences for it later. Like Peter ready to walk out on water without thinking to only panic after I realize "Yikes, them waves are way over my head". Those were early learned lessons but now I have gone to the opposite end of the spectrum and am too tentative when it comes to following God's lead. I sometimes feel I have gone too far and God can't use me. I have made too many mistakes that others around me have seen and I am the last one they should look to as an example of Christ. Who am I to speak to others about Christ when I am such a horrible example?

So I come back for forgiveness time and again only to falter again, and so on...

I guess if nothing else I am an example of God's longsuffering. His patience with me is just truly amazing.
Will I someday have the boldness and faith of Peter after Pentecost? I guess I need to get to that place where I meet Jesus back on the shore of forgiveness first.

John 21:15-19
So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.
 He saith to him again the second time, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.
 He saith unto him the third time, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep...
"Follow Me"

What was the significance of asking three times? Jesus was letting Peter know that each denial that Peter spoke was now replaced with Love. :Love forgives all. A clean slate is offered. Fresh and new creature step out and follow Him.

.

Weeding the mind

In the book Mended ch 12 Angie talks of weeds in our lives and taking them out by the roots.

My biggest weed problem is in my thoughts. I let the negative thinking take over too often. A lot of my thinking stems from negative messages of the past.

They whisper
"Why bother to try, you will never change"
"God doesn't want you to have peace and happiness"
"Something bad will happen to you, your family, etc..., something always does."
"You have nothing of value to offer to anyone."
" You will fail. You wont make it."

I tend to accept those thoughts as my own and don't question them. I have heard them most of my life and far more often than I have ever heard anything positive. This is not something I can heal from in an instant. It takes time and a great deal of Holy Ghost power.

Only the Holy Ghost can get at the roots of my negative thoughts and help me pull them up. I had gone to Christian counseling a few years back and one of the methods was praying and asking the Holy Ghost to show me where the roots were. I know it helped because certain memories no longer sting, that once had me bound in hopelessness. I need to go back to that kind of prayer.

If you struggle with this also then pray with me.

God of Hope grant me your Holy Ghost power to get to the roots of my negative thinking and remind me of your promises and what you see in me. Replace those negative thoughts with your love and light. Shine in my heart and fill me with your peace. In Jesus name. Amen

Right Now Belief

Just posted this in the (in)courage to Mend group on FB

"I think God is bringing me back around to hope. 
I was concentrating on my heart sickness from the first part or Prov. 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: and forgetting that there is a second half  but [when] the desire cometh, [it is] a tree of life. It says "when" it comes, not if. 
Sometimes waiting on Him to move is hard, and I have been waiting for some things for so long. I was getting heart sick and wallowing in it.
 But God! 
He is showing me signs of his working behind the scenes. He is the God of hope.

Rom 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
 
He will fill me with all joy and peace in believing. That is the key, believing. Trusting. Knowing it will come to pass and having peace that it is right around the corner. The problem for me is my right around the corner and God's are two different things. His timing is perfect and mine is "right now!"
  
"Right now if you believe God will do a miracle for you." That is how the song goes. It's not saying the miracle will come right now, but it is saying if you believe right in this moment then it will come to pass. The important thing is to keep having right now belief, each moment.

Mending Journey

God has had me on a mending journey for a couple of years now and I know that being led to the (In)courage group on FB was God's doing. Everything works together for good with God. So many things that He has shown me are being reconfirmed through reading the book Mended.

There is a song called Mercy Rewrote My Life. This is a work of God, the author and finisher, to rewrite our lives that have been sin scarred.
I know I am a sinner and have made wrong choices, but its the sins that have been done to me that have left deep scars that I have had a difficult time healing from.

Psalm 139:23-24  Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
 And see if [there be any] wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I realize the past has held me back. God showed me in Psalm 139 that wicked way, according to the concordance,  meant pain, sorrow or idol. I realize I have made my fear of being hurt again bigger than God. Anything that stands between me and God is an idol. I heed and yield to my fears and hurts instead of following God's leading. As Lot's wife looks back and becomes a pillar of salt, I look back and am immobilized by fear. The past though it has been painful, is familiar to me. It is what I have known. The future and God's ways are frightening to me. His ways are not my ways, and the fear of the unknown paralyzes me. So I stick to the familiar even though it keeps me bound.

God is in the redeeming business. Why hold onto the broken pieces, allowing them to continue to cut me and cause me to bleed over and over? I need Mercy to rewrite my life. I need to release those broken shards into God's mending hands. I cannot do this on my own. He can, with His healing love, take the sharp pieces and tenderly place them in a design that will serve a purpose. I have to concentrate on the fact that He loves me and his purpose is a good one. His design for me is a redeeming one. Trust in His love.

Edited to add this thought:
Those last four words "trust in His love" came back to me as I was about to go to bed. The one thing I do know and believe without doubt, is His love for me. Life may not have gone the way I wanted it to. The future may have me scared, but I do trust in His love for me. It is fact. I don't really question it because of all that He has done for me. 
I forget where to focus. I think of the past and future. I think of people, either in comparison, or in fear of getting hurt. I think of the trials. What I forget to do is think on His love.
I have that one thing to stand on. It is a foundation to build on and move forward. I can stand on the fact of His love toward me, and let that be my anchor.

         

			That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
			May be able to comprehend with all saints what [is] the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
			And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
			Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
			Unto him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

 
   

Broken

I recently was overwhelmed by a sense that I will never heal, never get to where I feel whole. I felt completely alone and thoughts of " you will never change" came in waves. I was getting discouraged and felt like a failure.
I am on a journey. Reading through the book Mended by Angie Smith. I had joined an (in)courage group and we are working through the book.

Last night I was thinking on my discouragement and realized that everyone has experienced brokenness in some form or another and at some time or another. Not that I didn't know this before, however I tend to focus on others strengths but focus on my weaknesses. I play the dangerous game of comparison.

What struck me was the thought that we are all broken but some of us have Jesus to go to to be healed. We may never be the same with the hurts and brokenness in our lives, but with God's help we are mended. And though there may be those broken places that still show in the mending, It is a testimony to say "this is what God brought me through". I am still here. I am still standing. I stand in His grace because without Him I cannot stand at all.

Sometimes I lose site of where I used to be and only see where I think I should be. That is when I need to be reminded of the past and see where I came from so I don't go back.

I would not want to give up. I wouldn't make it if I did. I know where I was before God stepped in and lifted me out of the mess I was in. I would never want to return to that state. I am truly far better off living in the mending process with Jesus then remaining broken with no hope.

Mending is a life long process and it may get frustrating at times. I may fail to see how much I have been changed by God (Not that I changed in and of myself ). I thank God for the reminders.

See what God has brought me through. I may still hurt but God is shining through the cracks of this broken life.

Poured out

I have looked for filling and completion in so many ways and in people. I have tried to fill empty moments so I don't hear my own hearts cry.
Move, keep busy, don't think too much.
My heart aches for fulness but nothing satisfies. My joy slipped out of my fingers somewhere between busyness and fatigue.
The cycle is a moment of returning and joy, energy and motivation only to have it melt into exhaustion and struggle, ache and disappointment.
I seek solace in quick fixes like television or the next motivational Christian book, but it only lasts a while.
The only times I ever feel that are real or where I feel whole are at church at the altar. God's presence fills and surrounds. He lifts and comforts. I feel like I am almost home, but then I get homesick.
I can do nothing without God. Why do I try?

Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.

"And ye would not"... that is me. I return and forget to rest in Him completely. I forget to quiet myself and let God do the work. I don't put my confidence in God because life is not happening the way I want it to. His ways are not my ways. His timing is not my timing. I wait, but like Saul of the old testament I move before I am supposed to because I feel like I should be doing something. I rely on my own strength and wisdom once again. Then I fall. God takes the struggle for control out of my hands once again and I sit there dumbfounded. I never had control but bought into the illusion that I did. Oldest trick in the book and I fall for it so often. My flesh is so quick to go back to that old routine. I cant seem to get the lesson. I am frustrated at my own thickheadedness. What does it take to get it?

I am empty, I have nothing left. I am poured out. What else is there to do but seek forgiveness and try again to seek God. Giving up. Not on life, just on me. Me, the one who thought she had it together and had the answers. Me who forgets where my strength comes from. Me who can't get it right.

Him, He is, and He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. He is the Alpha, Omega, beginning and end. He is the start of the day and the end of it. No one else to turn to. No place else to go. Nothing else will fill, just God. Simple.

Like a child. Return, rest. Be still, be quiet. Trust.

 

My latest crochet design.

Looking to name this one. I am thinking something to do with crown. As christians we all have heard of earning our crowns for our Godly service. So I am thinking of a name that has to do with that.

And God speaks- on Introversion

I had posted this elsewhere but realized I should put it here on my blog since it speaks to what I posted previously.
So God has been speaking to me about the trials I have been going through lately. Especially on how I handle stress. Wed night at church the sermon was about his refining fire. One of the things that was said is that He uses his refining fire to get out the impurities in our character and personality.
 I always thought that being an introverted, quiet, and a very sensitive person was a negative thing. I can get easily overwhelmed and stress out easily when I am.

God reminded me of a verse last night in Isaiah
Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not
.
I ended up looking up the words returning, rest, quietness, confidence, saved, and strength in this verse
returning-retirement, withdrawal
rest-quietness, quiet attitude
quietness-be tranquil, be at peace,still, be undisturbed, allay
confidence-trusting,
strength- might, valour, bravery, strength, power, force, mastery , victory

I had just read about introverted personalities and the need to have time to myself more to gain back energy from being out in the world. I haven’t been doing that much lately and have been constantly tired and didn’t know why. I need that returning and rest with God to keep going. It’s not a weakness, it is how God created me. Even Jesus needed time to withdraw and be alone with God to restore himself. It’s only when I don’t go to God on a regular basis that I have problems with stress.

Withdrawing and abiding in God and quietly resting in Him brings me restoration.
Real quietness requires me to go to God in trust, having confidence in Him, to be at peace, and let Him allay my fears and frustrations.
Then and only then will I have power, mastery of my emotions, and victory in my life.