Thursday, March 28, 2013

Resisting the rewrite

Once again what God has been speaking to me about has been reconfirmed through different things. One being chapter 18 "Sketched" from the book Mended by Angie Smith.
 I was just writing in my spiritual journal about my always trying to control my life. I thought about how God refers to us as sheep and he the Shepherd. I have resisted that idea of being likened to a seemingly mindless and stubborn animal who doesn't know what to do or where to go without someone telling it what to do.
I have considered myself to be a fairly intelligent person who has a creative knack for figuring things out. I am the one people come to when something breaks or they don't know how to work something. I just have this knack for figuring it out.
So to think of myself in a way that says I can do nothing without someone else's help... well I guess it prickles in my pride side.
I also have used fear as an excuse to try to do it my way. Cue Frank Sinatra.
If I don't know what's ahead I tend to dig in my heels and resist the whole way.
Stubborn. So yea a sheep! Bah Bah Bah!

 God has challenged me to a wrestling match of sorts for the last few years. I resist, I move in the opposite direction and only when He really hits hard do I stop to take a breath. Stubborn . Bah, bah!

The rod and staff he carries can hurt quite a bit but the lessons don't sink in the first time around.
I finally capitulated on Sunday at church and told God I would be his sheep. Then I read chapter 18. Reconfirming what God had spoken to my heart already.

In chapter 18 Angie talks about trying to sketch her own life. She had to go speak in my language. I love to draw, paint, crochet,etc ...If it's creative I will try it. So this just jumped off the page for me.
I have always been a dreamer and dreamed of my life and how I wanted it to be. Perfect of course. Perfect marriage, perfect family...My sketch, my dreams, my plans. Get the picture?


I talked before about God being the author and finisher of my life. I have never had control of my life I just wanted to feel like I did. I keep resisting, then God  to do some serious editing, and I try to do my own rewrite again, more editing...

Its a tiring cycle and it's time to hand over the pen. It's time to submit and give up my plans. It's time to admit I am just a sheep.

"I just want to be a sheep, bah, bah, bah, bah!"

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Meet Him at the shore of forgiveness

This week Chapters 13 an 14 spoke the loudest to me in the book Mended by Angie Smith.

Peter was a man of action and tended to speak first and think later.
Yes I am a good one to act like that. I have put my foot in my mouth too many times to trust myself to speak my mind first thing. I tend to stay silent and not say anything at all, or until well after the fact when it's not relevant.
There were many times that I have acted first and suffered the consequences for it later. Like Peter ready to walk out on water without thinking to only panic after I realize "Yikes, them waves are way over my head". Those were early learned lessons but now I have gone to the opposite end of the spectrum and am too tentative when it comes to following God's lead. I sometimes feel I have gone too far and God can't use me. I have made too many mistakes that others around me have seen and I am the last one they should look to as an example of Christ. Who am I to speak to others about Christ when I am such a horrible example?

So I come back for forgiveness time and again only to falter again, and so on...

I guess if nothing else I am an example of God's longsuffering. His patience with me is just truly amazing.
Will I someday have the boldness and faith of Peter after Pentecost? I guess I need to get to that place where I meet Jesus back on the shore of forgiveness first.

John 21:15-19
So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.
 He saith to him again the second time, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.
 He saith unto him the third time, Simon, [son] of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep...
"Follow Me"

What was the significance of asking three times? Jesus was letting Peter know that each denial that Peter spoke was now replaced with Love. :Love forgives all. A clean slate is offered. Fresh and new creature step out and follow Him.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Weeding the mind

In the book Mended ch 12 Angie talks of weeds in our lives and taking them out by the roots.

My biggest weed problem is in my thoughts. I let the negative thinking take over too often. A lot of my thinking stems from negative messages of the past.

They whisper
"Why bother to try, you will never change"
"God doesn't want you to have peace and happiness"
"Something bad will happen to you, your family, etc..., something always does."
"You have nothing of value to offer to anyone."
" You will fail. You wont make it."

I tend to accept those thoughts as my own and don't question them. I have heard them most of my life and far more often than I have ever heard anything positive. This is not something I can heal from in an instant. It takes time and a great deal of Holy Ghost power.

Only the Holy Ghost can get at the roots of my negative thoughts and help me pull them up. I had gone to Christian counseling a few years back and one of the methods was praying and asking the Holy Ghost to show me where the roots were. I know it helped because certain memories no longer sting, that once had me bound in hopelessness. I need to go back to that kind of prayer.

If you struggle with this also then pray with me.

God of Hope grant me your Holy Ghost power to get to the roots of my negative thinking and remind me of your promises and what you see in me. Replace those negative thoughts with your love and light. Shine in my heart and fill me with your peace. In Jesus name. Amen

Monday, March 18, 2013

Right Now Belief

Just posted this in the (in)courage to Mend group on FB

"I think God is bringing me back around to hope. 
I was concentrating on my heart sickness from the first part or Prov. 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: and forgetting that there is a second half  but [when] the desire cometh, [it is] a tree of life. It says "when" it comes, not if. 
Sometimes waiting on Him to move is hard, and I have been waiting for some things for so long. I was getting heart sick and wallowing in it.
 But God! 
He is showing me signs of his working behind the scenes. He is the God of hope.

Rom 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost."
He will fill me with all joy and peace in believing. That is the key, believing. Trusting. Knowing it will come to pass and having peace that it is right around the corner. The problem for me is my right around the corner and God's are two different things. His timing is perfect and mine is "right now!"
"Right now if you believe God will do a miracle for you." That is how the song goes. It's not saying the miracle will come right now, but it is saying if you believe right in this moment then it will come to pass. The important thing is to keep having right now belief, each moment.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Mending Journey

God has had me on a mending journey for a couple of years now and I know that being led to the (In)courage group on FB was God's doing. Everything works together for good with God. So many things that He has shown me are being reconfirmed through reading the book Mended.

There is a song called Mercy Rewrote My Life. This is a work of God, the author and finisher, to rewrite our lives that have been sin scarred.
I know I am a sinner and have made wrong choices, but its the sins that have been done to me that have left deep scars that I have had a difficult time healing from.

Psalm 139:23-24  Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
 And see if [there be any] wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

I realize the past has held me back. God showed me in Psalm 139 that wicked way, according to the concordance,  meant pain, sorrow or idol. I realize I have made my fear of being hurt again bigger than God. Anything that stands between me and God is an idol. I heed and yield to my fears and hurts instead of following God's leading. As Lot's wife looks back and becomes a pillar of salt, I look back and am immobilized by fear. The past though it has been painful, is familiar to me. It is what I have known. The future and God's ways are frightening to me. His ways are not my ways, and the fear of the unknown paralyzes me. So I stick to the familiar even though it keeps me bound.

God is in the redeeming business. Why hold onto the broken pieces, allowing them to continue to cut me and cause me to bleed over and over? I need Mercy to rewrite my life. I need to release those broken shards into God's mending hands. I cannot do this on my own. He can, with His healing love, take the sharp pieces and tenderly place them in a design that will serve a purpose. I have to concentrate on the fact that He loves me and his purpose is a good one. His design for me is a redeeming one. Trust in His love.

Edited to add this thought:
Those last four words "trust in His love" came back to me as I was about to go to bed. The one thing I do know and believe without doubt, is His love for me. Life may not have gone the way I wanted it to. The future may have me scared, but I do trust in His love for me. It is fact. I don't really question it because of all that He has done for me. 
I forget where to focus. I think of the past and future. I think of people, either in comparison, or in fear of getting hurt. I think of the trials. What I forget to do is think on His love.
I have that one thing to stand on. It is a foundation to build on and move forward. I can stand on the fact of His love toward me, and let that be my anchor.


That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

May be able to comprehend with all saints what [is] the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Unto him [be] glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.