Friday, January 18, 2013

Poured out

I have looked for filling and completion in so many ways and in people. I have tried to fill empty moments so I don't hear my own hearts cry.
Move, keep busy, don't think too much.
My heart aches for fulness but nothing satisfies. My joy slipped out of my fingers somewhere between busyness and fatigue.
The cycle is a moment of returning and joy, energy and motivation only to have it melt into exhaustion and struggle, ache and disappointment.
I seek solace in quick fixes like television or the next motivational Christian book, but it only lasts a while.
The only times I ever feel that are real or where I feel whole are at church at the altar. God's presence fills and surrounds. He lifts and comforts. I feel like I am almost home, but then I get homesick.
I can do nothing without God. Why do I try?

Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.

"And ye would not"... that is me. I return and forget to rest in Him completely. I forget to quiet myself and let God do the work. I don't put my confidence in God because life is not happening the way I want it to. His ways are not my ways. His timing is not my timing. I wait, but like Saul of the old testament I move before I am supposed to because I feel like I should be doing something. I rely on my own strength and wisdom once again. Then I fall. God takes the struggle for control out of my hands once again and I sit there dumbfounded. I never had control but bought into the illusion that I did. Oldest trick in the book and I fall for it so often. My flesh is so quick to go back to that old routine. I cant seem to get the lesson. I am frustrated at my own thickheadedness. What does it take to get it?
I am empty, I have nothing left. I am poured out. What else is there to do but seek forgiveness and try again to seek God. Giving up. Not on life, just on me. Me, the one who thought she had it together and had the answers. Me who forgets where my strength comes from. Me who can't get it right.
Him, He is, and He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. He is the Alpha, Omega, beginning and end. He is the start of the day and the end of it. No one else to turn to. No place else to go. Nothing else will fill, just God. Simple.
Like a child. Return, rest. Be still, be quiet. Trust.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

My latest crochet design.
Looking to name this one. I am thinking something to do with crown. As christians we all have heard of earning our crowns for our Godly service. So I am thinking of a name that has to do with that.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

And God speaks- on Introversion

I had posted this elsewhere but realized I should put it here on my blog since it speaks to what I posted previously.
So God has been speaking to me about the trials I have been going through lately. Especially on how I handle stress. Wed night at church the sermon was about his refining fire. One of the things that was said is that He uses his refining fire to get out the impurities in our character and personality.
 I always thought that being an introverted, quiet, and a very sensitive person was a negative thing. I can get easily overwhelmed and stress out easily when I am.

God reminded me of a verse last night in Isaiah
Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not
I ended up looking up the words returning, rest, quietness, confidence, saved, and strength in this verse
returning-retirement, withdrawal
rest-quietness, quiet attitude
quietness-be tranquil, be at peace,still, be undisturbed, allay
strength- might, valour, bravery, strength, power, force, mastery , victory

I had just read about introverted personalities and the need to have time to myself more to gain back energy from being out in the world. I haven’t been doing that much lately and have been constantly tired and didn’t know why. I need that returning and rest with God to keep going. It’s not a weakness, it is how God created me. Even Jesus needed time to withdraw and be alone with God to restore himself. It’s only when I don’t go to God on a regular basis that I have problems with stress.

Withdrawing and abiding in God and quietly resting in Him brings me restoration.
Real quietness requires me to go to God in trust, having confidence in Him, to be at peace, and let Him allay my fears and frustrations.
Then and only then will I have power, mastery of my emotions, and victory in my life.