Poured out

I have looked for filling and completion in so many ways and in people. I have tried to fill empty moments so I don't hear my own hearts cry.
Move, keep busy, don't think too much.
My heart aches for fulness but nothing satisfies. My joy slipped out of my fingers somewhere between busyness and fatigue.
The cycle is a moment of returning and joy, energy and motivation only to have it melt into exhaustion and struggle, ache and disappointment.
I seek solace in quick fixes like television or the next motivational Christian book, but it only lasts a while.
The only times I ever feel that are real or where I feel whole are at church at the altar. God's presence fills and surrounds. He lifts and comforts. I feel like I am almost home, but then I get homesick.
I can do nothing without God. Why do I try?

Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not.

"And ye would not"... that is me. I return and forget to rest in Him completely. I forget to quiet myself and let God do the work. I don't put my confidence in God because life is not happening the way I want it to. His ways are not my ways. His timing is not my timing. I wait, but like Saul of the old testament I move before I am supposed to because I feel like I should be doing something. I rely on my own strength and wisdom once again. Then I fall. God takes the struggle for control out of my hands once again and I sit there dumbfounded. I never had control but bought into the illusion that I did. Oldest trick in the book and I fall for it so often. My flesh is so quick to go back to that old routine. I cant seem to get the lesson. I am frustrated at my own thickheadedness. What does it take to get it?

I am empty, I have nothing left. I am poured out. What else is there to do but seek forgiveness and try again to seek God. Giving up. Not on life, just on me. Me, the one who thought she had it together and had the answers. Me who forgets where my strength comes from. Me who can't get it right.

Him, He is, and He is the rewarder of them that diligently seek Him. He is the Alpha, Omega, beginning and end. He is the start of the day and the end of it. No one else to turn to. No place else to go. Nothing else will fill, just God. Simple.

Like a child. Return, rest. Be still, be quiet. Trust.

 

My latest crochet design.

Looking to name this one. I am thinking something to do with crown. As christians we all have heard of earning our crowns for our Godly service. So I am thinking of a name that has to do with that.

And God speaks- on Introversion

I had posted this elsewhere but realized I should put it here on my blog since it speaks to what I posted previously.
So God has been speaking to me about the trials I have been going through lately. Especially on how I handle stress. Wed night at church the sermon was about his refining fire. One of the things that was said is that He uses his refining fire to get out the impurities in our character and personality.
 I always thought that being an introverted, quiet, and a very sensitive person was a negative thing. I can get easily overwhelmed and stress out easily when I am.

God reminded me of a verse last night in Isaiah
Is 30:15 For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not
.
I ended up looking up the words returning, rest, quietness, confidence, saved, and strength in this verse
returning-retirement, withdrawal
rest-quietness, quiet attitude
quietness-be tranquil, be at peace,still, be undisturbed, allay
confidence-trusting,
strength- might, valour, bravery, strength, power, force, mastery , victory

I had just read about introverted personalities and the need to have time to myself more to gain back energy from being out in the world. I haven’t been doing that much lately and have been constantly tired and didn’t know why. I need that returning and rest with God to keep going. It’s not a weakness, it is how God created me. Even Jesus needed time to withdraw and be alone with God to restore himself. It’s only when I don’t go to God on a regular basis that I have problems with stress.

Withdrawing and abiding in God and quietly resting in Him brings me restoration.
Real quietness requires me to go to God in trust, having confidence in Him, to be at peace, and let Him allay my fears and frustrations.
Then and only then will I have power, mastery of my emotions, and victory in my life.

Highly Sensitive/ Introvert

Wow it's been a while since I last posted.

I have been reading two books that were on my Chirstmas list.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Here is her website for more info The Power of Introverts

Also Intorverts in the Church: Finding our Place in an Extroverted Culture by Adam S. McHugh
His website Intorverted Church

I have found both books to be very interesting. There were certain things I didn't realize about my own intorverted tendancies.

I had, years back learned about The Highly Sensitive Person from Elaine Aaron's book and website.
which explained a lot about my own personality and sensitivities.

What I am learning is that I need time to myself a lot more than I realized. I get run down all to easily which in combination with physical fatigue, I also get emotional fatigue. Now I understand that I need to give myself some time to recouperate when out in the world. I go through these phases of energy and then times where I just can't seem to get myself going. I really crash hard when there is extra stress in my life too. I've wished at times, this wasn't the case. I have often thought myself weak and wondered what was wrong with me.

In ministry I find this to be a huge challenge. I have had people make comments that made me feel less because I wasn't doing as much as other people. Churches tend to be geared more toward extroverts. You have to be outgoing, and a person of constant action or you are not doing your part.
God has helped me get to a better place where I feel comfortable doing convalescent home services as a ministry but I still am learning and have had a slow learning progression over time. I had to get over a lot of fears and hang ups to get where I am at this point. I am doing as much as I can handle and God knows that. When He wants me to do more, is the right time for me to do it, not when others think I should.

I am grateful for these resources to help me understand myself better and understand who God made me to be. I am sensitive, thoughtful, creative, and empathetic toward others. These are good qualities to have, but I need my down time or I burn out. It's ok to say no to extra things and to take a rest. I don't have to be up and running all the time. If I do I am no good to anyone after a while. I need to recharge my batteries often and that is ok. I need my space sometimes and that is ok.

I do, however, need to learn balance. It's easy to get caught up in a downward spiral of exhaustion and retreat to the point where I get lost in it and become lethargic and depressed. I need to learn to schedule mini breaks at work to chill for a few minutes. I am not sure this will go over well with my co-workers but I need it. No wonder I get so grumpy and can't deal with things well at a certain point. I also need to learn to not issolate myself completely when I am going through something or on a rest/retreat cycle. That is where the depression comes in.

I am praying for people to be patient with me and understanding. I am praying I can find balance and be able to recognize better what times to act and what times to rest. I also pray that I will be able to recognize my limits and not be so hard on myself when I can't do what others find easy.

amazing video

Promise

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you” (psalm 32:8). He continues to grant me understanding and wisdom when I ask.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry . I have cried out to Him and he has answered me. During marriage problems. When I needed Him to move on a situation with my grandmother. When I needed Him to move on a situation at work.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil 4:7 When Dad was dying you gave me such amazing peace

In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, which is to be conformed to the likeness of his Son (8:28-29). This seems to be my life's verse. He keeps turning things around for good

count the promises kept

I am not only journaling and counting my blessings but I am counting His promises kept.
God has brought me through valleys and trials through to victory.
I can only say Wow, Lord! I am in awe of who you are!
Sometimes I would get discouraged as the valley experience seemed to go on so long. But God delivered me.

Hang on to Jesus with everything you have. He will not dissapoint you. He will bring you through.